I have a minute…

I have been meaning to post something for 6 weeks, but it is just now that I find myself able to sit at the computer for more than 5 minutes to get some thoughts typed out.

Life is busy!  Life is sleepless!  Life is mundane! Life is fun, happy, eventful, and purposeful!  There is so much I have been thinking about my life over these passed 6 weeks.  A lot of those thoughts, to be honest, have not been positive.  I realized over the last couple days that I have mostly been a negative “pout” over the past month and have not been seeing the joy in my life.  I was reminded of this on the weekend, by my husband – last night, by God – and this afternoon, by a friend.

My friend and I admitted to each other that we have both been giving ourselves “pour me – pity parties” these last weeks and have been robbing ourselves and our families of happiness.  I am ashamed to say that I have often complained about “no sleep” or “Michael crying” when I should be thankful that I have  two healthy beautiful boys that do cry and keep me awake at night.

I have also realized that I over analyze how I parent.  I question my thoughts and actions everyday and I wonder if I am doing things “right?”  I read books and I talk to people so much that it stresses me out and makes me worry that they are then analyzing my parenting style.  Why can’t I just be content to ask God for wisdom and then trust that Tim and I are making the right decisions?  Why can’t I just look at my boys and be proud of what they did today instead of  stressing about what they are not doing today?  Why can’t I focus on the day or week instead of worrying about what obstacle I am going to have to tackle next month or next year?  Why? Why? Why?

I have come to the conclusion that the first few months of a babies’ life are the hardest for me and that everything seems worse when I’m not sleeping enough.  I have also decided that I am going to suck it up and enjoy the time I have with these boys because before I know it they’ll be in school and I’ll be wishing for more time with them.  I am also going to quit feeling sorry for myself and I’m going to be thankful for all the blessings I have in my life – at least this is my plan!

Now that I have rambled on forever I’ll wind it up by saying “Ask me in a month how I’m feeling about life?”

Advertisements

10 Responses to I have a minute…

  1. Chelsey says:

    i know what you mean about thinking people are analyzing your parenting style. i often wonder that about myself. but then i think, WHO CARES. well, i’ve started to think that anyway. its taken a little bit. but eva is happy and healthy and so am i, so if its not broke…

  2. Aunty Heather says:

    i think you are an absolutely fabulous mother and wife…and i love your style of parenting! i learned so much from you during the time i lived with you (not sure i’ll ever get a chance to put into practice but i still learned a lot!:)) can’t wait til we can have a real live chat!

    heather

  3. Maggie'sMama says:

    Hmmm..perchance is that HEATHER posting, Tara? Why, I wonder if her ears were BURNING Sunday when we were lovingly chatting about her and wondering whow she is, and I even sent up a FLARE, an e-mail, to see how she is, but no response. At least I know she’s alive from your blog. LOL!

    That said, you are a great mom and one of my heroes. I think it’s amazing that you have 2 babies so close in age and are always so warm and kind whenever I see you. Hang in there. I, took have had many discouraging moments and decided in January this would be my year of gratitude. It’s been tough, but your post reminds me to get back to the gratitude…..

  4. sister-in-law Rebecca says:

    Hey Tara,

    Your post made my soul and eyes weep! I’ve spent alot of time where you say you’ve been so I know where you’re coming from.

    These are the hardest months and early years as a mom…….but we WILL all look back and say that they were also the BEST. You are a fantabulous mother but you aren’t a perfect human…..we are all flawed! Don’t beat yourself up anymore……Elijah and Michael are probably the happiest and most secure little boys on the planet because they have you as their constant. They need to see that you are a real person who gets grouchy, then happy, who is tired, but carries on anyway…….so that they know that they too are normal. You have much to be thankful for…….and you’re right, ‘days go by’ very quickly and they will be gone to school all day (like Aiden, sniff,sniff). Tell yourself you are supposed to make mistakes in parenting..(and allow yourself to!)….otherwise we would all raise perfect children who wouldn’t feel their need for a perfect God. He is their perfect parent who has loaned them to you for a while to enjoy and to guide as He has equipped you to! So enjoy them and let yourself smile at the ups and downs of motherhood! I am praying for you and I love you very much! Sorry for the long rant……I’m speaking to myself too! p.s. I can not WAIT to meet Michael!!

  5. strakers says:

    I find the 1st year to be the most challenging. At every milestone it seems to get better. Of course the year also has wonderful moments but for the most part…lack of sleep, crying, breast-feeding challenges, etc…seem to get the better of me. Now Taya is one and is almost sleeping through the night, is walking and involved. I also think about my little Mali who is turning 4 in April and starting pre-kindergarten in the Fall. When Mali was a newborn time stood still…now I see that it actually flew by. But already you must see that with Elijah. He is such a little man now…taking on the world and it seems like yesterday that he was born. No doubt your biggest challege is having the boys so close together and so young…not something I went through but from what my sister says…it’s was really hard at the beginning but she loves it now and if she ever had to do it again she would do it the same. Just know that we all feel like you do and I absolutely do not judge you, I admire you.
    Ev

  6. Kara says:

    this is what a ‘Mom’ asks herself. this is what a ‘mom’ goes thru. it’s hard, it’s delightful ano glad you are part of it. you’re boys are lucky to have you.

  7. Pam malmsten says:

    tara,

    oh man i can totally relate to your feelings except I am not sure i ever had the courage to put it all on paper. I wished i could have because its just freeing (is that a word) being able to concede that we don’t know it all. Nor are we suppose to.

    This is coming from a mother who’s 12 year old son STILL wants his mom to snuggle with him at bedtime. I know this too will soon pass so i am holding on to these moments.

    Sadly we are not there to be apart your active life but i do know that you are one amazing person with a smile and heart that can make anyone melt…. your little guys well they just are incredibly blessed to have a mama like you!!! I love you and miss you… Pamela

  8. randyls says:

    Tara,

    Parenting isn’t for the faint of heart … As much as we wish to become parents; once we do it can be pretty overwhelming. I remember looking around at what I thought were the super mom’s and feeling very inadequate. Do you remember the summer that we walked or should I say ran through the bushes and lake, with Pam holding Colton and me holding Peyton trying to find the guys? What I can’t remember is why we did that? Anyways, I remember holding on tight, afraid that she might fall and get hurt. Twelve years later, I’m still trying to hold on tight, but I’ve also realized that you can’t and won’t always be there to protect them and that no matter what you’ve taught them, they will make choices on their own, some good others not so good. With the support of my hubby and a dear friend who has always listened, encouraged and most importantly loved my children like her own, I’ve made it through the hards days but for the most part I can sit back and look at my children and they make my heart burst with love and joy … Leslie

  9. Tara McMillan says:

    Thank you all so much for you comments. Many of you brought tears to my eyes with the words you left me. I am so lucky to have so many great friends! Thanks for listening and for commenting. You have encouraged me more than you’ll know. It is so nice to know that I am not alone and that many have been where I am now, while others are simply at a different stage of parenting that comes with its own set of difficulties. Isn’t that the truth! One set of tough times to the next when you have kids, but isn’t it great that each stage also brings us such joy! Anyway, thanks everyone – you made my week and left me with words that will last a lot longer!

    Tara

    P.S. Pam – I got your gift in the mail last night! Thanks so much for thinking of us in the midst of your tough times. I can’t wait to see those boys both wearing the same shirt! The stuff you sent me is absolutely lovely – that stuff smells incredible! Just wanted you to know that I received it. Thanks a million!

  10. switzersland says:

    I echo the comments of those before … you are an incredible mom, and an absolute role model for me. Your patience is astounding, and you always look great, even when I know you have had a rough night. I am so thankful for our friendship, and that we can share what we believe to be our shortcomings as moms. I love what Rebecca wrote…these children were given to us on loan by God. I believe they will be raised to be successful Godly men and women, despite our parenting mistakes. We are all learning together. I love ya. Hang in there, and lets hold one another to looking at the sunny side!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: